Protože se nám přiblížily další prázdniny a zase se tu na dva týdny odmlčím, neodolám, abych se nepodělila o některé své domácí úkoly. Ve školních škamnách totiž sedím už neuvěřitelným 23. rokem (mě samotnou to číslo docela vyděsilo), takže to nebozí pedagogové se mnou, jakožto otrlým mazákem, občas nemají úplně lehké. Když mi například lektor zadá, ať vypracuji turistického průvodce San Franciscem, odevzdám mu s kamennou tváří toto:
BRIEF GUIDE-BOOK OF SAN FRANCISCO
No doubt, San Francisco is an art center of the West Coast. It offers many places of interest, multi-cultural events, museums, and galleries. You can meet there unknown artists as well as mega stars known all around the world. If you want to see and learn San Francisco as a usual tourist, take whichever guide-book you find at first. But if you want to see some unique sights, follow our special recommendations.
Everyone goes to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art or to the De Young Museum but if you want to learn about current, socially critical, politically incorrect visual art, you will really enjoy visiting the Mission district, where many murals can be found. In addition, when you are looking for the City Lights Bookstore to buy some controversial and anarchistic books, do not forget to look at one of the walls on Broadway Street to see a graphic art created by the world famous Banksy.
Do you love statues? Do you even admire German titans? Go to Golden Gate Park to see a copy of the Weimar’s Goethe-Schiller-Denkmal in the ratio 1:1 (and save money for a plane ticket to Europe!)
If you don’t like Germans and your soul needs something more spiritual, enjoy visiting the Fisherman’s Wharf and admiring the statue of Saint Francis of Assisi created by Beniamino Bufano (do not go further; the rest of this place is only a tourist trap). If you like neither old writers nor holy men, you should see the statue of the post steam-punk Raygun Gothic Rocket Ship in the ratio 1:10 (near to the Ferry Building) to imagine how it would have seen, if there had been a space program at the beginning of the 20th century.
San Francisco does not offer only culture. Of course, you have to see the symbol of this city – the Golden Gate Bridge. Definitely forgot to rent a bicycle and go across the bridge like a mad man; it is only another senseless tourist trap. The best view is from the bottom of the bridge – from the old Fort Point. Furthermore, if you will continue along the way to the Ocean Beach, you will see another lost treasure. As everyone knows, San Francisco is a very important port. However, if you want to see any old ships, do not go to the Maritime museum (as everyone does) to see retouched and glossy attraction. Go to the Lands End and try to find a wreck of one of the hundreds unfortunate boats which never sailed under the Golden Gate Bridge.
Our Brief Guide-Book must end with some cute animals (as all TV news do), because who loves nature must see San Francisco sea lions! They come every January and this year San Francisco celebrates 21th anniversary of their arriving. (Bad thing is that you have to overcome your aversion to crowded “shopping and fun paradise” Pier 39.) If you have a little bit of luck you will see even more than three sea lions’ heads!
Dalším úkolem bylo sepsat skandální zprávu o známých lidech (a procvičit si přímou a nepřímou řeč). Inu, proč ne. Vzhledem k tomu, že jsem zjistila, že náš lektor neví, kdo je Alžběta II. s odůvodněním, že nemusí, protože je Američan (on je vůbec legrační; třeba nás přesvědčoval, že jeho prapraprababička připlula s Kryštofem Kolumbem na Mayflower), jsem se rozhodla ho důkladně seznámit s celou královskou rodinou:
THE AWFUL DISCLOSURE IN THE GREAT BRITAIN!
The most shocking story which paralyzed virtually everyone (more than news that Elvis is still alive and George W. Bush is able to read) came this week from London! Do you think that the ruler of the Commonwealth is Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth II.? No! This empire where sun never sets has not only one head, there are thousands of them and they have four legs and one long tail each!
The Truth Hidden for Years!
As we were told by one of servants of Her Majesty who wanted to stay gray, “It is not a real secret. Everyone who works here knows it; we even get special mice-benefits to keep silence.” “There are and always were thousands of rats,” added the other one, “And it is getting even worse.” Both employees of the Buckingham Palace admitted that, because of the “terrible expensive” royal wedding, they were allowed to buy only cheap mice-traps which are absolutely not effective.
The Poor Bride!
Every girl wants to be a princess. However, would they want to be princesses if they had to learn not only noble manners and never ending smile but also how to kill mice with daily used things such as slim heels or an alarm clock?! A close friend of Kate Middleton told to us that she really suffers. “She even has to sleep with carnival mask on her face to avoid these creatures running over her face during the night! I know how much she hates blood and killing cute, innocent animals. Oh, my poor Kate.”
The Real Roots of Lady Diana’s Tragedy!
No one will be just surprised at the failure of the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. “She really hated mice. Every time she saw one of them she started to scream and felt unconscious,” her former maid explained us, “Charles hated her hysterical scenes; it happened at least four-times a day.” She added that she hopes Miss Middleton would be much braver than her late mother-in-law.
No Solution There!
The only person who tried to solve this terrible problem is Prince Charles, known for his positive relation to ecology. Ten years ago, he decided to use the natural enemy of rats: cats. “He bought fifty cats, but sooner we had twice more,” told us member of the Royal Guard. ”Many of them were so lazy to chase and soon became close friends with our rats. Prince Charles even wanted to buy some dogs to kill cats and rats but vigorous Lady Camilla forbade him.” Some people say that she had finally sold all these cats to a Chinese Restaurant near to the Trafalgar Square, but when we asked about this scandal the official speaker of Her Majesty, we never received the answer. Terrible British!
Shodou náhod pak do týdne vyšel na idnes.cz článek o invazi krys v Downing Street. Vzhledem k tomu, že se například během našeho pobytu psalo v zahraniční rubrice českých novin o San Franciscu dvakrát a dvakrát to byla science-fiction (letadlo, které při letecké přehlídce skoro narazilo do Golden Gate Bridge, a nedávný zevrubný popis div ne sněhové kalamity, přičemž tu bylo celý inkriminovaný víkend slunečno) si myslím, že jsem klidně mohla mít s tím Buckinghamským palácem pravdu.
